TW: suicidal thoughts, s/h, health issues, TMI topics, BPD splitting

Life is not great recently. It is getting hard to keep in my upsetness.

Earlier this week I got overstimulated and stabbed myself in the leg with a knife five times. It wasn't with enough force to do much except bruise my leg. So now I just have little dots where the skin barely broke and bruises.

I don't know what to do or how my issues can be solved. I keep dissociating really heavily today. I keep getting POVs in my head where I am hanging myself. It is like a reoccurring thought. My neck feels like it wants to gag.

I'm tired of trying to yank proof out of people that they still care about me. I feel like such an attention seeker. I just want somebody (adult) to reassure me. I want somebody to support me. I want to know I will get out of this, I want somebody to convince me I can get out of this. Most of my adult friends are too busy to talk to me, too busy to even say hi usually. I feel like I am being discarded. Maybe I am too high maintenance.

I feel selfish and high maintenance. I can't help feeling wrong for wanting more in my relationships with people. I feel guilty and greedy and high maintenance.

Yesterday I woke up at ~1 AM with bad abdominal pain, I think pelvic??? It hurt a lot. I fell asleep at 2 or 3 and then woke up again at 5 or 6. Today I woke up at 4 AM with really bad abdominal pain again. I eventually fell back asleep, then woke up again at 7:30 with more abdominal pain. My chest has also ached to breathe in, and has felt kind of tense for days, maybe weeks, IDK. I have been having GI issues in general for a while. I am also losing a little bit of weight, but I don't think it is necessarily concerning, it has only been a few pounds. I have reminders every two hours for a lot of the day to drink water, because I think I might be dehydrated, but somehow they do not seem to be doing much help. I am so bad at managing myself. It is like I can't control myself no matter how hard I try. I just wish I had some control over myself, if anything!

My coworkers apparently like me. Two of them apparently told my aunt that I am doing good at my job. That is good. My boss tells me I am doing good, my coworker tells me I am nice and good. It feels like one of the only times anybody appreciates my effort. And it sucks because it honestly physically hurts me and there have been times my job has crushed me mentally as well.

I just feel generally unlovable. Most of my friends get along fine without me. I wish more people would see a point in keeping in touch with me. I'm scared if I don't keep forcing myself to talk to people and come up with whatever reason possible I can to just interact with somebody that I won't have almost anybody reach out to me at all.

Right now there are very few people who interact with me. There are 2-3 mutuals I have on tumblr who will reblog/comment on my posts from time to time, which is very kind and fun, but I feel guilty vent posting because a lot of them are still teenagers in school, which that is enough for them to worry about!!! In terms of messages I have one person who messages me first usually. Besides that there isn't really anybody else who messages me consistently. In my family they just hold a lot of views I don't agree with, and they can be generally unpleasant and manipulative. They also tend to patronize me.

I don't know if anything could fix my life. I keep grasping at whatever I can to keep myself occupied. I keep getting stuck reflecting on unpleasant things. My mouth tastes sweet right now and I don't know why.

I am tired. I feel like I am losing my mind. I think on Tuesday somebody reported me to the principal at the school I WORK AT because they thought I looked like a suspicious man. My hair isn't even short right now! I could understand that I am young, and maybe the bag I carry looks suspicious, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable and upset when I am being compared to child murderers. It really makes me worry, what if I look crazy because I am??? Obviously I would never want to hurt anybody, but that isn't to say I'm mentally sound. I am scared, I get overstimulated and start hurting myself. I feel crazy.

I also keep getting caught between too many projects. My fake social media UI, my animal OCs, my sewing project, this site, the findobjectfun site, my writing, and whatever the fuck else. I just keep switching between so many things.

I also have an impulsive spending problem I think. I need to stop buying stuff with my dad's credit card besides groceries... His account keeps going in the negatives, I need to use my own money to buy things! I just can't help feeling I deserve it for doing more chores than a lot of the other people in the house! I do the dishes, I make dinner most the time, and I get the groceries most the time!!! Meanwhile my younger brother just cleans up the yard every few weeks, and my older sibling sweeps the kitchen every now and then I guess.

I am just tired. I keep thinking about death. I know I most likely don't have anything serious! But I can't help feeling reminded of when my mom had colorectal cancer. I know my symptoms are probably just something silly like me not drinking enough water or spending too much time in bed or something. But still, it is hard not to get lost in cancer daydreams when the slimmest possibility is within you genetically. I always fantasize that I will get a diagnosis and everybody will finally understand me and take me seriously, but honestly everything would probably be exactly the same. My friends would not support me if I had cancer, they would not notice if I died from it, and I would be lonely. Because why would a diagnosis change anything?

Sorry for such a negative post again. I am just going through it lately I guess. I don't see much point in me being alive. All my issues feel silly and dumb and just like me being oversensitive. Hopefully next time I will have something more positive to share. See you later!